Super Inday and The Golden Bibe and The Duck Under Marian Rivera's Skirt

Although I could barely remember anything about the movie except that Maricel Soriano and Aiza Seguerra were both entertaining in it, the original Super Inday is one of my rare memories of early great Philippine Cinema. Which makes this sort of review of the Marian Rivera version Super Inday and The Golden Bibe directed by Michael Tuviera a worthwhile year-ender task. Not that her skin and comedic timing couldn't be reason enough. As far as I'm concerned she isn't really Dingdong Dantes' woman. And no I'm also not writing this review just because I feel my P160 should get me more. Well, I kind of am, but that's not the point. Here are:

1. Pokwang's funny here, as she always professionally is. Her all-out almost always screaming tone though when she does jokes can be painful to watch. It almost feels like it'll be no time before her voice gets turned into Gollum's. Also, her klajsdgchukar rua language is a perfect signal Pinoy language's about to be universal. Mylene Dizon's "That woman is in my pool" (still makes me laugh as of this writing) deserves a place in classic Filipino lines. Along with "Bababa ba?" and "Mommy, yung sharpener ko hindi na sharp."

2. Holy creep there's an actual duck under Marian Rivera's Skirt. Duck. Under. Marian Rivera's Skirt. Sounds like they're one letter away to get rated R.

-->

3. Something awkward with the Tagalog dialogue. Especially on supposedly dramatic scenes. Or maybe they're also supposed to be funny. Like a joke on how bad Tagalog movie writers could write.

4. Credit to the writers. When Jake Cuenca tells Jestoni and Mylene, "Ang ganda ng garden niyo/You have a beautiful garden, " you can barely see a garden. There were some flowers, but they're obviously made of Japanese paper. Good job. Also, the barong-wearing zombies' choreography is superb. Finally some concrete EDUCATIONAL proof that SHOWTIME losers have a bright future.

5. I'm partial to Elephantiasis-suffering robots and other toys. There was literally no scene that involved them that I didn't blurt my self out laughing to full shame. Super Inday and The Golden Bibe could have sequels and it's unlikely that I'll miss it if it still involves the same Marian and Robotic bodies.

6. That precocious "mambobote" (Person who sells used bottles for a living) saying something like "Bakit? Proud naman ako sa marangal kong trabaho" sounds a bit like a social commentary on the plight of Filipino minors. I guess there's nothing really wrong with collecting bottles all day as a job to feed a family of six because both your two fathers and two grandmothers are bed-ridden and your two sisters are currently both in Grade 4 for the second time, but being able to eat 2 days a meal instead of one could be a better option. How about this: get that kid to live an Erap Estrada life for a month then ask him if he still wants to be a mambobete afterwards. If not, let's continue abusing Filipinos' knack for adapting and keep on saying that getting almost no wage is actually better. Because, hey, it's not like money matters in heaven.

Hi! My Name is UltraMean and I don't care if my house is this big and I'm this small.

7. When dealing with Abandonment Issues, do not oversimplify. Consider the issue of whether to forgive irresponsible parents as a sex scene in a PG movie like Toy Story: it's a taboo that nobody in the right mind would do. See, I even made you a rhyme.

8. Jestoni Alarcon's role tells me this: Don't have kids if you're the kind of father who owns a land the size of two U.P. Diliman campus and still want to go to Europe and leave your kids to some househelp you just  got literally outside your house because you're still in need and want of money. Old and troubled enough kids kill.

9. You know that question about where ducks go when it's cold? Super Inday and The Golden Bibe might have the answer I can live with.

10. Skip this if you can't handle scientific truth: Some of the dreams where Marian Rivera is involved cause me to lose not less than half a cup of bodily fluid. Please don't judge...her.

Wow I never thought the reasons could be a Top 10, too. Well, it really wouldn't have been if I included there this most important lesson I learned from Marian Rivera's Super Inday: to survive a Philippine city sometimes you need to assume that cars talk. 

Happy New Year Marian Rivera and to my 5 Million Readers (Did I say 5 million? I meant  6). Call me. No, really. Please. If you're not Marian Rivera, can you tell me what you think of her in general, if not in this movie?

Read More

How To Ignore The Global Warming And Still Live An Awesome Life

"Marine organisms mistake them for food and nibble on them, leading to their death. " - by Anna Oposa on the dangers of plastic in Definitely Filipino's blog post "one sachet at a time"

Then why bother trying to save ourselves from the supposedly environmental hazards of plastic when we can simply blame it to the fact that animals, specifically Marine organisms, are plain dumb beings who deserve to just die? Hey, don't get me wrong: I hate animals. Because it's not like there's even a theory that we humans are by-product animals of time's evolution, right? Even the most blasphemous couldn't bring themselves to saying that God is a dolphin because that's not in the Bible along with everything else that I personally don't approve of. It's not like there's even a theory that can say we're like them and shut up about the fact that I look like a monkey. Why should we think of that when we know there's God that knows what's best for me? Whatever the environment problem is, I'm pretty sure God has enough lifeboats to give us when the iceberg's about to reach my home. Like what happened in Ondoy. Which no matter how you argue it, I know God has a plan for that too. Just see and wait. And don't be reasonable and stop worrying about that idiotic fact that you no longer live where cats don't. And not for the reason that you're above them, cats. Although in a way you kind of are, but let's not get into that for argument's sake.

Also, who said that Fish matter? The science that says Global Warming exists which you clearly know is just pure fraud that's out to stop you from purchasing 18 more iPhones because it's your dream to get complete hearing loss not by using one music player for 18 straight days but by using 12? The 6 others are used for paper weights. Because isn't that also your dream?  And even if fish really do, it's not like we can't find healthier versions of them in Pork, Lizard Intestines, Polar Bear innards when they die of exhaustion because of melted ice, Panda Rind which is a healthier option than Pork Rind (Yummy! Can't wait for the end of the world!) and everything else we can buy in a sachet, right? If you're having a hard time, here are more suggestions for you to get an awesome life while we're at it:

1. Buy 12 more cars. But always be careful: if you can't afford it, just try delaying the purchase. I know it's unimaginably hard for you to only have 7 cars which you each only use once every 2 years, but remember the teaching of your religion: have some patience. If you own a taxi-rental shop, wait for your friend that they ignorantly accuse as your crony to pass the law that will charge extra rental against the Taxi drivers and then enable you to pump more profit out of them. Because if it's between their struggle to survive and your prerequisites to contentment, would you be stupid enough to choose the former?

 

2. Don't Read. Why is there a need for you to enjoy the pleasure of reading that is so cheap, it doesn't even going to cost you even one millionth of the price of your car? Do you want to be associated with being cheap just because it can make you smart when you of all people know nobody could be smarter than a person who has 15 houses, 12 spouses and 13 cars? You're so luxurious, you don't even need to use them because why bother going out when there's 100 pirated videos you can watch at home and 16 hundred bucks to buy pizza and eat with?

Anyway, I just realized that there's no point telling you more suggestions since there's not that many you haven't already heard of. You're the epitome of reason so to listen more from people's poor egalitarian beliefs is obviously a disgrace to your kind.

Read More

3 Interesting Things About Persian Palate Food

That looks great and I''m sure that makes it alright, even if it tastes like something you don't want it to taste like.

 by pigarotti on Flickr

1. Specifically the Persian Palate Chello. It's actually pretty tasty. And you have got to love the fact that it's an authentic Mediterranean kebab dish. I mean, what piece of kebab that tastes like a pretty much average fast-food burger patty couldn't be considered Persian?

2. More elaboration on its being a kebab. All the while I was eating it I couldn't  remember not being reminded of the last burger meal with rice I had from Jollibee. In fact, it's pretty much just Jollibee burger patty without the more fulfilling gravy and the overcharged price. Which is good really, because how else could you brag the fact that you've eaten in a finer resto like Persian Palate if it wouldn't cost you about a quarter less to dine in such a very un-classy but almost always satisfying fast food bistro as Jollibee? It's hard to make yourself think you're better than anyone else if you just eat a filling P39 Beef and Rice meal. Eating cheap is like not owning a car: a Filipino trait that signals you're poor and do not deserve the kind of respect people who own 15 houses and 13 cars get, unless of course they're from The Church.

3. And what food review would be complete if you didn't write about the specialty food, other than almost more than half of the good food in the world that you don't really have to write about because who brags about food anyway? Except of course South Korea. That Kim Jong Il's a reason it'll not be that long before writing something like this has got to be one of the funniest things man can do. Anyway, Persian Palate's specialty would be its grilled tomato and butter. Such exquisite drama from something mundanely organic. Such expertise at knowing what feels authentic and rich. Who could've thought you could charge a tomato you can get grilled back home and a slab of butter you can hustle for free down that favorite sandwich kiosk of yours, so high that you couldn't find it hard to brag for yourself that you're now better than the rest of the people who don't even know what dinner means? Who cares about the people in the streets when I'm rich and God wants me to be rich and I can eat this meal that God blessed me to have and I'm actually pretty sure God's always telling me it's not wrong for me to reason out anything any one else considers wrong, as right, right?

My Tuna and Tomato dish. But you don't have to know this because you're rich and own cars.

Read More

Ten Good Movies I've Seen This Year That Just Make You Hate Me For Not Seeing

1. Marty - It portended the future of online dating. It's a short story of how you're actually meant to live alone. Funny, right?

2. Inception - You are not reading this. You're dreaming it.

3. The Robber - No, I didn't cry at the last scene. No man does that. Shut up.

4. The Other Guys - It's a pretty serious film about corporate crime and also the evolution of fish. Like, really serious.

5. Shutter Island - You're basically two so watch this.

6. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - It's especially for those who suffer from ADHD and epilepsy.

7. The Social Network - A ratiocination of a minor asshole.

8. The Town - Un Prophete-like, Masks are So Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight, lacks personality. But that's ok because no movie is human.

9. Easy A - Emma Stone should just be living in my tent. She could clean my pokemon Cubone, who I just recently learned uses the skull of its mother for Headgear. That's so Cubone.

10. Un Prophete - Try not to hire whores. Or at least check their mouths for swallowed blades ready to cut your "Unit" free.

It's a flying Son Goku. And that's Mao Zedong behind him/it.

Read More

The 6 Unbelievably Simple Reasons Why The Genius of Mang Inasal Is Destined For Success

Official Bisaya Short Films Warning: Food intake of any kind must seriously be self-regulated, unless it's your thing to get super hyped-up about anything that's edible that you don't mind seeing yourself forced to sit on two chairs combined because you can't fit in just one.

1. I'm not exactly sure if the "Unlimited Rice" strategy originally came from them, but I certainly know that using the word "Unlimited" to the no. of servings of rice that customers can gorge in single sitting couldn't be theoretically possible and that is humor. And I approve of humor.

2. They're with Gawad Kalinga. "Like that even means anything", as a million of cynical readers of my blog would say (oh, did I say one million?I meant 5). You know what? It kind of does, if it's Gawad Kalinga. If only for the fact that nobody really lives forever.

3. The Chicken Oil they serve has been proven to make me less sad.

4. Nothing too special with the taste of their "Inasal" (grilled chicken to those who spend their days forcing themselves they didn't have brown skin), but that's saying a lot knowing I live in Cebu and we're a cognoscenti in grilling fowl.

5. The brown, red and yellow colors in the ambiance of the resto. Kind of evil really, as they've probably been proven to make you want to eat more. But Unlimited is impossible. So it's Win-Win...?

6.They use banana leaves as plates, which, at the rate of the Global Warming scheme we're in, could mean we'd have at least a few days more to figure out what the hell is the deal with those douchies owning 15 houses. Somebody should make a law against those who abuse the reason "But I feel unfulfilled without them."

Notes: I wonder if Mang Inasal people are awesome enough to support the Sukang Pinakurat in the current Datu Puti competition case.

Read More

NU Killed Ely Live

Last Month I held the sweaty palm of god. Like, literally. And it sang, specifically a song about a dance with a maid.

Ely Buendia is the lead vocals of Eraserheads and Pupil, if you live under a rock. Or worse, a rock. And speaking of rocks, he’s probably one of the priority rock gods you need to google right now. Especially that it’ll be a while before you can listen to him be played in long playlists on good free live-rock radio broadcast now that NU107 is finally no longer just undead.

Ironically I blame it on technology and I guess I’m writing this because it has just dawned on me that music is surprisingly powerful among Cebuanos in ways never accounted for before and anything that puts it in crisis deserves a bisection.

When we question technology it’s always about the issue of excess that gets the ax. And the hardest question we’re faced when this happens seems to be about drawing the line. It’s about finding where and how exactly we could consider the next purchase of a new iPhone acceptable without bolstering the reasons we’re now facing something seemingly as inconceivable as a free rock radio channel being completely off-air. I guess doing that seems to be as easy as playing the electric guitar, with no actual guitar, and blindfolded, and just as cliched. But I still think the least we could do is to remember the question.

And wouldn’t it be better if we always remind ourselves of that, instead of always finding the quickest ways to render the just recently launched cellphone, music players and free radio defunct? Encouraging people, especially kids to apportion such time and passion for music to the point of even respecting enough someone as distant and impersonal as a musician to label them as a god is clearly better than teaching them it’s not bad to own, own, own, right? Own houses you barely have time to live in, laptops in cities you can hardly power a street lamp without interruptions and more junk you don’t even need. Or want.

I guess it’s still a matter of preference, because what is freedom anyway if not that? Besides, it’s not like listening to Ely Buendia sing live and humming along with him is better than using all your gadgets combined during brown outs that are no longer rotational, right?

Read More