Jollibee Don't Kill Us

1. Hi Jollibee. You know nobody can resist your new humongous burger steak meal with fries, right? You do know that's a sign you want us to be fat, fat, fat right? Your extra large fries wasn't enough to make us poor right? Don't be evil you guys. Please don't kill us. Please don't tempt us with this marketing drivel. Please stop making stuff you know we can't refuse.

Why can't you use your infinity years of experience to market Tofu, Veggies and Mongos the way Pungko-Pungko in Colon does with raw onions and vinegar? Raw onions and vinegar increase your immunity against illnesses. And no the cholera and Hepa BS isn't accurately true. You think you can't also get cholera and Hepa from Jollibee if a disgruntled employee intentionally dirts up the spoons with shit? Like, literal shit? All is equal in this commercial world.

2. Lower the P100 price please.

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6 Thank Yous For The Bitches Who Should Rule Cebu City and Bark More

1. Thank you and my sincerest and even most embarrassing apologies to my close friend Shila. Like I said it was a thoughtless move that I kind of am still bothered by and I terribly feel scared for. Please help me remind myself not to play any type of moving toys when I'm with you, especially if it involves palabad, gillette blade ug beyblade nga tingga ang tumoy. 

And here's your brilliant essay on Why Bitches Should Bark More. It is modern but simple yet full of kind fun wit:

B-I-T-C-H : Babe In Total Control of Herself

Everyone thinks that this is not

a wholesome word.

Everyone tries

to avoid saying this word.
Everyone makes sure that they are not called as BITCH!

But NOT for us.. we call ourselves..BITCHes!
B-Babe
I - In
T- Total
C - Control of
H - Him/Herself

We are formed by fun activities, adventures and great stories. We tell stories of almost everything under the sun. We play around, eat anywhere and drink to death like no one cares.

Who says no one cares? We do. We are loved by many, envied by few and hated by millions. But we have each other.. it's more than enough to be thankful for.

I personally would confirm that I am a BITCH. It's fun to be one. I don't live in a boring world full of illusions.

BITCHes are true to each other. We say the bad truth to each other. We say what we think but we love what we have and these are friends that are BITCHes within.

You may judge us the same way as you judge how dirty the word is. But don't you dare try to invade our lives..BITCHes will surely rock your world and you will soon love being a BITCH.

Dont let anyone control you. Be a ruler of your own to become one of US!

-Shila, a 3 yr. old person

2. Thank you Katkat. You are an evolved sly generous person and a water-giver sa Krispy Kreme and you always reply to my texts and you have the kindest words such as, "Baaaaaad!", so you are ominous. I'm kidding, pero dili kana nga part. Kana ba. Kana gud.

3. Our own Bisaya Short Films Trivia last night in One Pavillion and Joan's House and Mcdo Punta where Gela won P20 and I was The Master (Yeah, I am Joaquin Phoenix) and Katkat, Portia and Gela won The Cornetto should be a required activity for everybody, just like P.E. Martin Castillanes

4. Thank you Mary Ann sister of Joan and also Joan for the Seaweed chips that beggars don't seem to like kay their palette is way too dull/sophisticated to discriminate its feel; Roj for not wearing the lamest shades and for the car which shall be used like how government uses people's money for the party next week; Portia for nothing; and The Manananggal for not showing up while naa mis eskina nila Joan.

5. Thank you, Tambayan movie house and Cebu Trivia Night for teaching me how to love Showing me what the world meansWhat I've been dreamin' ofAnd now I know, there is nothing that I could not doThanks to you...............no mountain, no valleyNo time, no space 

Thanks to you...Thanks to you...Thanks to you.

6. Thank you Acoustica 

for allowing me to invent the Sisig Pasta, 

which isn't in the menu and is from the Siomai 

Noodles and Sisig. 

Acoustica is a Bisaya Short Film food store 

and 

should 

be 

a 

must-to-die-for

for 

pretentious 

diners.

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Stuff Game Shows Like Showtime And Wowowillie Are Too Weak To Say

1. Don't recite your poetry, no matter how sentimental they are. Yes, you've remembered that piece of poem, good job memory you attributed to God, but we've got to go because our profit is dependent on how entertaining you are and you are not fun to listen to if you're reciting that boring dialogue. Grind! We don't care about how that poem means so much to you, how that was written by your husband before he died in a bloody combat with your father, how that was a product of suffered love and life. We don't care. We need to go. So unless you make us feel awesome, just shut the eff up.

2. We will give you money but, uhm, can you, like, be on TV and share how you are a victim of rape and how you made it through thanks to GOD what are you doing! That's against religion!

3. We give you money, but we need to take advantage of your pain and past, and you should make us money, too. We say we care but only so much that it gives us the estimated ROI Statistics-1001- R.E > Tax E.D. Profit. We make money out of you, poor people.

4. We tell the Madlang People that they raise their hands and in Jesus' name, and shout "In Jesus Name, We'll Heal You, Sick Participant!". Yes, we do that. Jesus' healing powers is pretty much dependent on how many people raise their hands and pray for me. Jesus is that shallow.

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The Bisaya Art You Need To Support: The February 2013 Joya Art Exhibit at SM City Cebu Art Gallery

Is this ART/TRASH? Or TRASH pretending to be ART? Or ART pretending to be TRASH? 
 Or TRASH pretending to be TRASH?

“I'm tired of my life, my clothes, the things I say. I'm hacking away at the surface, as at some kind of gray ice, trying to break through to what is underneath or I am dead. I can feel the surface trembling—it seems ready to give but it never does. I am uninterested in current events. How can I justify this? How can I explain it? I don't want to have the same vocabulary I've always had. I want something richer, broader, more penetrating and powerful.”
― James Salter, Memorable Days: The Selected Letters of James Salter and Robert Phelps

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30 ROCK Ends But I'm Reading Michael Chabon's Take on Wes Anderson's Movies' Authenticity So I'm Okay

1. 30 Rock's take on the danger and yet the pleasure and honesty of tyrannical selfishness is too funny to take seriously but at the same time too plausible to put aside. Sketches like Jenna Maroney telling Tracy Jordan something like, "Why do I care? It's not like you're me." and Tracy Jordan telling Liz Lemon, "Which means when the law conflicts with our desires, then we must operate outside the law. You following me?" are ironic and smart as hell, but when you put them in the context of real life where these lines are not made verbal but  made manifest in the most familial and painful backstabbing scenes and where the people who made you a zygote show you the most animal form of selfish denial and most minimalist explanation of why they even made you on this earth, it’s kind of a big-time drag. 

It is annoying at first that 30 Rock seems to short-change you and undermines your supposedly traumatic experience with the other people’s imposition of their selves, but then after reading Michael Chabon’s essay on Authenticity, it dawned on me that hey, 30 ROCK’s actually being sensitive in making fun of my listless trauma and perceived unspeakable pain.

2. I like and have seen what IMDB has shown as the complete commercial films of Wes Anderson and they’re all great good fun motion works that I immaturely claim as accessible art, but they don’t hit my experience the way Georges Simenon’s 6 Little Crosses in a Notebook or Gus Van Sant’s Good Will Hunting did, so I just take Wes Anderson by the side and arrogantly see him as popcorn moviemaker that I’d still follow but won’t consider as my personal guide and yardstick towards reaching non-life. That, until I read Michael Chabon’s Wes Anderson’s Worlds in the NYR Blog.  

3. The article takes me back to the good deception days of college where for every academic paper I make I refer to quotes from imaginary books,magazines, and authors I made up and take this imagination as the authority backing up a statement I also made up (Thank You Albert Einstein’s Imagination Is More Powerful Than Knowledge!). The papers got impressive passing grades and are a parallel to what Mark Zuckerberg did in The Social Network when he claimed that his hacking of the administration’s DDT-I.R. 344- SSL database is something the school should be thankful for because of the sole reason that it had highlighted the glitch in the database that if M.Z. hadn’t caused to botch, would’ve cost the school billions and thousands of future privacy lawsuits. Immoral lesson: make things beautiful and people of supposedly strong influence will dig it. That's what Hitler did.


Anyway, to quote Chabon:

“ All movies, of course, are equally artificial; it’s just that some are more honest about it than others. In this important sense, the hand-built, model-kit artifice on display behind the pane of an Anderson box is a guarantor of authenticity; indeed I would argue that artifice, openly expressed, is the only true “authenticity” an artist can lay claim to.”

3. 30 Rock and pretty much all the good Sarah Silverman and Louis C.K. comedy I’ve seen are extremely bitchy and simply painful and but yet still contain the most personal and temporarily unforgettable answers and coping system templates I keep in dealing with the worst evolving memes of phony adult dealings. So then I learned: to be sensitive, try to be rude and honest about your being crude. Try not to pretend you understand other people’s feelings. Nobody does. Also, your parents will die pretty much basically today.

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Eyes Don't Eat: A Review Of One Claypot Restaurant

Part 1 of One Claypot

Batman Tastes One Claypot Chicken Wings and probably likes it. Or I don't know.

1. The Chicken Wings are probably just a spoonful butter away from tasting like Popeye's Supreme Chili Wings and East West's Chicken Wings, which is good.

2. The Pasta Dish with Prawns is a comfort food. Portia loved the shrimp toppings that I didn't care about. The pasta is comfort food, kind of like French Fries, but minus the everything. What I mean by comfort food is that you can eat a potful of it if you're not being careful or you're being emotional about your ex-boyfriend who left you for a pussy, like literally a cat, because she can't afford keeping you and a pussy..cat.

3. The claypot room is like a turtle-shell, and yes, I've been inside a turtle shell. The world is my turtle. It's too small, but the affect of silver stickers and typography tricks works so well you don't notice that you're probably just inside a room the perimeter size of two Jollibee restrooms for the disabled.

Part 2 of One Claypot

1. Overheard from the coming girls: Oh, mao diayng Claypot (referring to the small size of the room)

2. The Lalalah Claypot Rice Dish is dregs, mulch, a residue of all the wrong immoral things in this world; it's too salty for any normal person's taste, the burnt smell is annoying and it pretty much tastes like nothing, all I can taste is the chorizo, chicken and the egg. Why has the owner brought this to the Philippines? To torture us? To mock our scarce budget for trying out good food? To be pretentious and cheat us and pretend that we're eating gourmet food? And why have the reviews out there said the Claypot is good? Were they paid to lie? Lalalah Claypot is not lalala-lami. It's literally Lalalalala-lamaw.

3. I took an extra handful amount of tissue paper to compensate for the immorally bad taste and I will extend lengths not to come back there again because although the room looks nice, my eyes don't eat. I need my P150 back.

Update as of February 4: In fairness to Claypot, I just realized that since last night most of the food I gorge in tastes like nothing, probably because I still have a runny (or JOG-gy?) nose and other flu symptoms. But I ate the Nobel Peace Prize-wiiner Chinese Ngohiong and its Pulitzer Prize-winning sauce last night and it tasted okay. Anyone figuring this out? I might come back to Claypot to conclude this. Also, there's an interesting comment below, read it and be happy you're not anonymous.

One Claypot Cebu City is a supposedly good place I'm never coming back to again.

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THE BETTER VERSION OF THE SINULOG FIREWORKS DISPLAY 2013 BY PYROWORKS YESTERDAY AT SM CITY CEBU

 PLAY THE VIDEO FOR THE BETTER VERSION OF THE SINULOG FIREWORKS DISPLAY 2013 BY PYROWORKS YESTERDAY AT SM CITY CEBU

Critique:

Portia: You should not use backround music for the fireworks display, unless it's Gangnam Style.

Shila Meyz: Make more exploding neon blue fireworks. And also, more of those sperm-shaped fireworks in tricolor. The different colors of sperm fireworks reminds me of mine. Ekatag sa ibabaw, ayaw nang mga baratohon nga naa ra sa ubos mubuto.

Me: Make the lights explode like a burning mall, so the smoke forms interesting fractal spiderweb shades.

Portia: Hala murag pag new year!

Me and Portia and Shila Meyz, simultaneously, murag ga speech choir: Pede Vice Ganda ang humor sa Announcer? Or just shut him up for chrissakes. No one's listening to the stupid ads anyway, If you're going to do ads, do it like how BISAYA SHORT FILMS does it. Make it awesome, genius, brilliant. Do not use Tito Sotto and Star Cinema writers and Social Climbers as your peg.

Ro Hannah: Kabaw mo unsaon pag sayaw sa Sinulog nga shoulders ra? In-ani ay (moving her shoulders in an effed-up way.)

Me: Beeeeh, unsa may iningles nga salida bahin sa kinabuhi sa ihi? Eh di, LIFE OF PI (pronounced PEE) Pee is slang for urine you know what I'm saying?

This awesomeness is brought to you by BISAYA SHORT FILMS who thinks those who own iPhones are either dumb enough to buy the marketing hype or smart enough to understand that frack it the world ends anyways.

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Bohol Travel: You Should NOT VISIT The Gabriella Bed and Breakfast if....

......you ARE messy and you're NOT HAPPY staying in a beautiful place. In short, The Gabriella is for quiet and neat and decent people.

Two Things:

1. The Gabriella is the place to stay if you want to avoid insensitive and noisy tourist crowd. In fact, it is safe to say that The Gabriella Bed and Breakfast is the cleanest and unpretentiously classy place nga among na higdaan/nakit-an among the other three hotels we screened in Tagbilaran. Gabriella is better than Bohol Beach Club even, in terms of cleanliness, coziness and customer service. Bohol Beach Club’s ace is just its beach. Also, you can find cute fluffy white-haired bitches there barking at you, so Beach Club is fun, too.

BBC rooms cost from Php6000-Php8000, which I think should be now illegal considering the depravity and global calamities our world suffers. And they’ve got so much land that you can’t help but think, Why aren’t we letting the people who have no homes stay here and provide them jobs that benefit both the owners of BBC and their families? Although the Lechon Kawali and Chilli Chicken servings in BBC are the biggest I’ve had in a while. But that still doesn’t make the BBC owners’ lack of social creativity/responsibility tolerable.

2.  Gabriella is where Vice Ganda, Christine Reyes, Angelica Panganiban and Vhong Navarro apparently stayed, which doesn’t automatically say that these refer to the famous local celebs who own these names. Do a Facebook search and you get at least 20 matches to your own name. But what I want to say is: I urge anyone who consider themselves influential to find a way to help stranded travelers from Tagbilaran who can’t afford decent lodging and food when their catamarans aren’t allowed voyage to Cebu City because of typhoons like Quinta. 

I propose the Tagbilaran Pier authority, sponsored by concerned individuals, provide food stubs and tents to these travelers and let them sleep in the wide stretch parking lot in the pier that seemed unoccupied and unused. So much cemented land, and yet of no use. It’s likely that this is like the case of the famous Mandaue lampposts. Let’s make use of this, people who think we still have a chance to be better. Anyone named Vice Ganda, Christine Reyes and Vhong Navarro here who can help them/us?

from The Gabriella Website. More of my personal photos later.

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5 Things About Everything That A Bisaya Learned From Stealing Tim Kreider's We Learn Nothing

This drawing is from Tim Kreider. I don't think I have permission to upload this. But I'm allowed to post his book cover in Amazon. Where can I read the answer to convince me that I should take this down?

1. We learn nothing.

2. We learn everything, but only a part of it. Okay that doesn't sound right. I don't think I agree with Kreider's thoughts on how we should just sever ties with people who are mentally sick or who drag us down and abuse our kindness to smut. But I don't think I have a good reason for my disagreement, other than denial.

3. We are like cats; we shun people who show their affection, we crawl towards them when it is deprived of us. Kreider had a line about our appreciation of life only when we're in the middle of a jungle and we're holding honey and a horde (or school? Bears like fish. Ergo, they ARE fish.) of bears lunge towards us.This is true, but I love bears, and if there's death, then I should just share it with them. I'm kidding, but not that part.

4. We Cebuanos should read his book because it mentions David Foster Wallace and James Salter, the two writers you should know more about because you're probably religious and you're probably so smart, you think Ferdinand Marcos is cool and that we should always ignore the street kids and we should always bullshit our friends with our brilliant lies.

5. We should believe in peak oil. That's right, bay. Mahurot ang oil gipanggamit for your Hummer and more genius cars. Tough shit, right? Now deal with it. If you're the genius kind, buy more iPhones and iPads and forget about other poor people's plight and enjoy life now, and who cares about the immorality of buying iPads professionally made by 8-year old kids when you know God is with you? God is with me God is with me God is with me. Me. Me. Me.

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6 Reasons To Watch Easy A Starring Emma Stone

It's good something like Easy A is in Bisaya Cinema for everyone who just can no longer bear the amazing humor of Petrang Kabayo to enjoy. Not that Vice Ganda isn't a force to reckon. To help you decide whether to skip this or it's a go, give this guide a try.

1. It's got Emma Stone in it, which pretty much sums up the reason why you should also be looking for her in Superbad and Zombieland. They're just as necessary for you to be like the genius you really want to be even if you don't really want to read.

2. Stanley Tucci plays a father. In Easy A he's got a line saying he was previously gay, but said in a way that isn't just dubious, but also funny. Watch out for that.

3. It's oddly a homage to Failbook.com. Coke Zero being tweeted is something you should learn how to make fun of.

4. Lisa Kudrow is there, but not in a role you'd like her to be, but then again, who wants to watch her outside Friends? No seriously be nice to her.

5. Using references to a gnome, Huckleberry Finn, Scarlett Letter and 80's chick flicks might be something you can a learn a lot from when deciding to dominate the world with your short films.

6. Emma Stone will be in a Bisaya Short Film.

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