The 7 Important Life-Changing Tips For A Perfect Pinoy Valentine's Date

 High five? Or if you move an inch-closer, the restraining order will take effect?

1. If he's a lawyer who has potential because he's a Business and Not An Environment or A Human Rights lawyer, marry him. You are 30 and a talentless self-centered pathologically lying libakera and without him, you will fail in your social climbing.

2. If the guy says you're funny and smart and he makes references to Woody Allen movies and books only you among your nonagon of friends would read, he's not sleeping with you. You'd be just his adult doll he will always use to make him even look smarter.

3. If he's awkward and makes no sense, even and especially with his jokes, and you're wearing anything with lace, stay at least a feet away from his pants. A thick fist-size part of his body's about to explode from sex juice and restrained rapist-genes.

4. If you're in Chicken BonChon and he orders Super Spicy Fish Taco and rice and Kimchi Coleslaw and service water, he might have good taste in comfort food but he's also probably an "ex-convict" because he once stole a Chicken BonChon Super Spicy Fish Taco Value Meal from a careless customer who just went to the C.R. (Comfort Room, not Crown Regency). He might also have seen Darren Aronofsky's Requiem For A Dream and wanted you to do The Dildo Scene.

5. If the guy wears a striped shirt with a Dragon drawing (Right, Port?) and then striped shorts and plaid hat and checkered shoes, expect to work when you both get married in a boutique named, "Buy Our Fasshion Because We Know Fasshion and You Don't and Of Course You Are Judged By The Number of "Original" Gucci Bags You Bought With Government Tax Money That You Are So Proud Of Because You Think You Are Smart Enough To Get Away With It! Buy! Believe in God Because God Loves You and If You Don't Believe The Loving God, The Loving God Will Burn You In Hell! Love Is When You Bring Your Loved Ones To Hell and Wish Them Suffering And Longer Life To Suffer Dress Store Boutique Shop". 

Also, expect not to have sex with the guy until he finds the next pair of striped panties and bra, which I'm sure is pretty raaaare in his case.

6. If he suggests you both eat The La La Lah Claypot, he doesn't like you and he wants to torture your tongue. Ditch him immediately. Then go to One Claypot and eat chicken wings to celebrate sincerely/sarcastically.

7. If he owns an iPad and an iPhone 5 and a Samsung Tab and hangs a DSLR over his head because he says he's a digital photographer, tell him while he's at it why doesn't he go to SM squatters area and get the malnourished children to eat his gadgets because isn't he a God-believer and isn't he for the poor? I'm sure gadgets can be eaten by the street children your God loves and the children you both proudly don't care about.

Happy Heart Surgery and Fake Love and Ball Sheet Unmeant Forwarded Messages To You All from 

THE BISAYA SHORT FILMS!

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30 ROCK Ends But I'm Reading Michael Chabon's Take on Wes Anderson's Movies' Authenticity So I'm Okay

1. 30 Rock's take on the danger and yet the pleasure and honesty of tyrannical selfishness is too funny to take seriously but at the same time too plausible to put aside. Sketches like Jenna Maroney telling Tracy Jordan something like, "Why do I care? It's not like you're me." and Tracy Jordan telling Liz Lemon, "Which means when the law conflicts with our desires, then we must operate outside the law. You following me?" are ironic and smart as hell, but when you put them in the context of real life where these lines are not made verbal but  made manifest in the most familial and painful backstabbing scenes and where the people who made you a zygote show you the most animal form of selfish denial and most minimalist explanation of why they even made you on this earth, it’s kind of a big-time drag. 

It is annoying at first that 30 Rock seems to short-change you and undermines your supposedly traumatic experience with the other people’s imposition of their selves, but then after reading Michael Chabon’s essay on Authenticity, it dawned on me that hey, 30 ROCK’s actually being sensitive in making fun of my listless trauma and perceived unspeakable pain.

2. I like and have seen what IMDB has shown as the complete commercial films of Wes Anderson and they’re all great good fun motion works that I immaturely claim as accessible art, but they don’t hit my experience the way Georges Simenon’s 6 Little Crosses in a Notebook or Gus Van Sant’s Good Will Hunting did, so I just take Wes Anderson by the side and arrogantly see him as popcorn moviemaker that I’d still follow but won’t consider as my personal guide and yardstick towards reaching non-life. That, until I read Michael Chabon’s Wes Anderson’s Worlds in the NYR Blog.  

3. The article takes me back to the good deception days of college where for every academic paper I make I refer to quotes from imaginary books,magazines, and authors I made up and take this imagination as the authority backing up a statement I also made up (Thank You Albert Einstein’s Imagination Is More Powerful Than Knowledge!). The papers got impressive passing grades and are a parallel to what Mark Zuckerberg did in The Social Network when he claimed that his hacking of the administration’s DDT-I.R. 344- SSL database is something the school should be thankful for because of the sole reason that it had highlighted the glitch in the database that if M.Z. hadn’t caused to botch, would’ve cost the school billions and thousands of future privacy lawsuits. Immoral lesson: make things beautiful and people of supposedly strong influence will dig it. That's what Hitler did.


Anyway, to quote Chabon:

“ All movies, of course, are equally artificial; it’s just that some are more honest about it than others. In this important sense, the hand-built, model-kit artifice on display behind the pane of an Anderson box is a guarantor of authenticity; indeed I would argue that artifice, openly expressed, is the only true “authenticity” an artist can lay claim to.”

3. 30 Rock and pretty much all the good Sarah Silverman and Louis C.K. comedy I’ve seen are extremely bitchy and simply painful and but yet still contain the most personal and temporarily unforgettable answers and coping system templates I keep in dealing with the worst evolving memes of phony adult dealings. So then I learned: to be sensitive, try to be rude and honest about your being crude. Try not to pretend you understand other people’s feelings. Nobody does. Also, your parents will die pretty much basically today.

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Bohol Travel: You Should NOT VISIT The Gabriella Bed and Breakfast if....

......you ARE messy and you're NOT HAPPY staying in a beautiful place. In short, The Gabriella is for quiet and neat and decent people.

Two Things:

1. The Gabriella is the place to stay if you want to avoid insensitive and noisy tourist crowd. In fact, it is safe to say that The Gabriella Bed and Breakfast is the cleanest and unpretentiously classy place nga among na higdaan/nakit-an among the other three hotels we screened in Tagbilaran. Gabriella is better than Bohol Beach Club even, in terms of cleanliness, coziness and customer service. Bohol Beach Club’s ace is just its beach. Also, you can find cute fluffy white-haired bitches there barking at you, so Beach Club is fun, too.

BBC rooms cost from Php6000-Php8000, which I think should be now illegal considering the depravity and global calamities our world suffers. And they’ve got so much land that you can’t help but think, Why aren’t we letting the people who have no homes stay here and provide them jobs that benefit both the owners of BBC and their families? Although the Lechon Kawali and Chilli Chicken servings in BBC are the biggest I’ve had in a while. But that still doesn’t make the BBC owners’ lack of social creativity/responsibility tolerable.

2.  Gabriella is where Vice Ganda, Christine Reyes, Angelica Panganiban and Vhong Navarro apparently stayed, which doesn’t automatically say that these refer to the famous local celebs who own these names. Do a Facebook search and you get at least 20 matches to your own name. But what I want to say is: I urge anyone who consider themselves influential to find a way to help stranded travelers from Tagbilaran who can’t afford decent lodging and food when their catamarans aren’t allowed voyage to Cebu City because of typhoons like Quinta. 

I propose the Tagbilaran Pier authority, sponsored by concerned individuals, provide food stubs and tents to these travelers and let them sleep in the wide stretch parking lot in the pier that seemed unoccupied and unused. So much cemented land, and yet of no use. It’s likely that this is like the case of the famous Mandaue lampposts. Let’s make use of this, people who think we still have a chance to be better. Anyone named Vice Ganda, Christine Reyes and Vhong Navarro here who can help them/us?

from The Gabriella Website. More of my personal photos later.

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032 (ZeroThreeTwo) Things You Can Do With A Krispy Kreme Cap

This is a rejected ZeroThreeTwo Article. Here's Carlo of ZeroThreeTwo's rejection message:  

Hi Richard!

Haha Thanks for the entertaining write up. Unfortunately, we won't be able to use this because it has to be a "Cebu-centric" article. Maybe you have other topics in mind that touches on Cebu?

1. Photoframe - Why buy one when you can make it for free? But there’s no such thing as free lunch so it is politically not. 
2. Cap - Obviously.
3. Pen holder - Pencil case is expensive and made of plastic, so bad for the environment. Make your own please because aren't you awesome?
4. Pencil case - see photo
5. Cellphone case - you wanna hide your phone while in the beach? Put it in the cap and leave it on the sand. Safe.
6. Notebook - write on the blank areas of the cap and make a unique love letter you send to your ex!
7. Cut out the letters and use them in greeting cards - You have letters from KRISPY KREME, so you only need letters I,L, O, V, E, Y, O, U, A, N, N, and A.
8. Bookmarks - see photo
9. Remote Control Holder - put it inside the cap and hide it from your kids who always hide the remote from you because they’re cute mean kids from Michael Haneke’s The White Ribbon film.
10. Bills holder - make your depressing bills fun to read by hiding them in this cap.
11. Cellphone case - need to hide your phone from your boyfriend? Hide it here.
12. Money hideout - see photo
13. Paper airplanes - yup, don’t waste new paper by making paper airplanes you throw away. Use the cap paper instead and for sure you won’t throw them away because it’s cute.
14. Fan  - Going to church? Don’t sweat. Fold the hat fifteen times and fan yourself free.
15. Organizer for important letters - put all your important data here and hide them from purloining adults. New word: purloin. Look it up so you get smarter. Cebuanos should be smarter.
16. Secret Love Letter Envelope - worried that the father of the girl you’re courting would ruin your wedding proposal? Hide your letter inside the cap and give it to your girl.
17. More stuff you can do. Contact us so we can teach you how to do these: Table balancer
18. Id holder
19. Dangling earrings holder
20. Proposal Message Holder
21. Pick-up Line Holder
22. A Greeting Card
23. Resignation Letter from Krispy Kreme
24. A Clip Art for Your Krispy Kreme Application Letter
25. Serving Tray for Your Donuts
26. Envelope
27. English Grammar Guide
28. Rice cooker holder
29. Paint brush holder
30. Dustpan
31. Cellphone accessory
32. Awesome Speakers amplifier 

Written and Plagiarized from the thoughts of 
Richard  J. Tandoc A., 
a person who does graphics, 
writes fiction and makes "Bisaya Short Films" 
(please don't google it). 
His recent achievement: 
seen
all 
Woody 
Allen's 
47 
feature 
 films 
to date. 

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Super Inday and The Golden Bibe and The Duck Under Marian Rivera's Skirt

Although I could barely remember anything about the movie except that Maricel Soriano and Aiza Seguerra were both entertaining in it, the original Super Inday is one of my rare memories of early great Philippine Cinema. Which makes this sort of review of the Marian Rivera version Super Inday and The Golden Bibe directed by Michael Tuviera a worthwhile year-ender task. Not that her skin and comedic timing couldn't be reason enough. As far as I'm concerned she isn't really Dingdong Dantes' woman. And no I'm also not writing this review just because I feel my P160 should get me more. Well, I kind of am, but that's not the point. Here are:

1. Pokwang's funny here, as she always professionally is. Her all-out almost always screaming tone though when she does jokes can be painful to watch. It almost feels like it'll be no time before her voice gets turned into Gollum's. Also, her klajsdgchukar rua language is a perfect signal Pinoy language's about to be universal. Mylene Dizon's "That woman is in my pool" (still makes me laugh as of this writing) deserves a place in classic Filipino lines. Along with "Bababa ba?" and "Mommy, yung sharpener ko hindi na sharp."

2. Holy creep there's an actual duck under Marian Rivera's Skirt. Duck. Under. Marian Rivera's Skirt. Sounds like they're one letter away to get rated R.

-->

3. Something awkward with the Tagalog dialogue. Especially on supposedly dramatic scenes. Or maybe they're also supposed to be funny. Like a joke on how bad Tagalog movie writers could write.

4. Credit to the writers. When Jake Cuenca tells Jestoni and Mylene, "Ang ganda ng garden niyo/You have a beautiful garden, " you can barely see a garden. There were some flowers, but they're obviously made of Japanese paper. Good job. Also, the barong-wearing zombies' choreography is superb. Finally some concrete EDUCATIONAL proof that SHOWTIME losers have a bright future.

5. I'm partial to Elephantiasis-suffering robots and other toys. There was literally no scene that involved them that I didn't blurt my self out laughing to full shame. Super Inday and The Golden Bibe could have sequels and it's unlikely that I'll miss it if it still involves the same Marian and Robotic bodies.

6. That precocious "mambobote" (Person who sells used bottles for a living) saying something like "Bakit? Proud naman ako sa marangal kong trabaho" sounds a bit like a social commentary on the plight of Filipino minors. I guess there's nothing really wrong with collecting bottles all day as a job to feed a family of six because both your two fathers and two grandmothers are bed-ridden and your two sisters are currently both in Grade 4 for the second time, but being able to eat 2 days a meal instead of one could be a better option. How about this: get that kid to live an Erap Estrada life for a month then ask him if he still wants to be a mambobete afterwards. If not, let's continue abusing Filipinos' knack for adapting and keep on saying that getting almost no wage is actually better. Because, hey, it's not like money matters in heaven.

Hi! My Name is UltraMean and I don't care if my house is this big and I'm this small.

7. When dealing with Abandonment Issues, do not oversimplify. Consider the issue of whether to forgive irresponsible parents as a sex scene in a PG movie like Toy Story: it's a taboo that nobody in the right mind would do. See, I even made you a rhyme.

8. Jestoni Alarcon's role tells me this: Don't have kids if you're the kind of father who owns a land the size of two U.P. Diliman campus and still want to go to Europe and leave your kids to some househelp you just  got literally outside your house because you're still in need and want of money. Old and troubled enough kids kill.

9. You know that question about where ducks go when it's cold? Super Inday and The Golden Bibe might have the answer I can live with.

10. Skip this if you can't handle scientific truth: Some of the dreams where Marian Rivera is involved cause me to lose not less than half a cup of bodily fluid. Please don't judge...her.

Wow I never thought the reasons could be a Top 10, too. Well, it really wouldn't have been if I included there this most important lesson I learned from Marian Rivera's Super Inday: to survive a Philippine city sometimes you need to assume that cars talk. 

Happy New Year Marian Rivera and to my 5 Million Readers (Did I say 5 million? I meant  6). Call me. No, really. Please. If you're not Marian Rivera, can you tell me what you think of her in general, if not in this movie?

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How To Ignore The Global Warming And Still Live An Awesome Life

"Marine organisms mistake them for food and nibble on them, leading to their death. " - by Anna Oposa on the dangers of plastic in Definitely Filipino's blog post "one sachet at a time"

Then why bother trying to save ourselves from the supposedly environmental hazards of plastic when we can simply blame it to the fact that animals, specifically Marine organisms, are plain dumb beings who deserve to just die? Hey, don't get me wrong: I hate animals. Because it's not like there's even a theory that we humans are by-product animals of time's evolution, right? Even the most blasphemous couldn't bring themselves to saying that God is a dolphin because that's not in the Bible along with everything else that I personally don't approve of. It's not like there's even a theory that can say we're like them and shut up about the fact that I look like a monkey. Why should we think of that when we know there's God that knows what's best for me? Whatever the environment problem is, I'm pretty sure God has enough lifeboats to give us when the iceberg's about to reach my home. Like what happened in Ondoy. Which no matter how you argue it, I know God has a plan for that too. Just see and wait. And don't be reasonable and stop worrying about that idiotic fact that you no longer live where cats don't. And not for the reason that you're above them, cats. Although in a way you kind of are, but let's not get into that for argument's sake.

Also, who said that Fish matter? The science that says Global Warming exists which you clearly know is just pure fraud that's out to stop you from purchasing 18 more iPhones because it's your dream to get complete hearing loss not by using one music player for 18 straight days but by using 12? The 6 others are used for paper weights. Because isn't that also your dream?  And even if fish really do, it's not like we can't find healthier versions of them in Pork, Lizard Intestines, Polar Bear innards when they die of exhaustion because of melted ice, Panda Rind which is a healthier option than Pork Rind (Yummy! Can't wait for the end of the world!) and everything else we can buy in a sachet, right? If you're having a hard time, here are more suggestions for you to get an awesome life while we're at it:

1. Buy 12 more cars. But always be careful: if you can't afford it, just try delaying the purchase. I know it's unimaginably hard for you to only have 7 cars which you each only use once every 2 years, but remember the teaching of your religion: have some patience. If you own a taxi-rental shop, wait for your friend that they ignorantly accuse as your crony to pass the law that will charge extra rental against the Taxi drivers and then enable you to pump more profit out of them. Because if it's between their struggle to survive and your prerequisites to contentment, would you be stupid enough to choose the former?

 

2. Don't Read. Why is there a need for you to enjoy the pleasure of reading that is so cheap, it doesn't even going to cost you even one millionth of the price of your car? Do you want to be associated with being cheap just because it can make you smart when you of all people know nobody could be smarter than a person who has 15 houses, 12 spouses and 13 cars? You're so luxurious, you don't even need to use them because why bother going out when there's 100 pirated videos you can watch at home and 16 hundred bucks to buy pizza and eat with?

Anyway, I just realized that there's no point telling you more suggestions since there's not that many you haven't already heard of. You're the epitome of reason so to listen more from people's poor egalitarian beliefs is obviously a disgrace to your kind.

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Illiterate Street Children In Cebu

 "Hindi ko maintindihan (I don't understand)"

Last September’s a pretty boring month, no? Don’t get me wrong: I knew about Rolando Mendoza and the things that we were told weren’t done. I heard of dengue, September 11, Ondoy, the mainstream trade of kidneys downtown and knew what they weren’t about.
I even half-pretended to be shocked when I heard of the recent gang rape with a nurse. Or that bombing incident post-bar exams. And you’re probably not the only one who saw that girl playing dead in one of the streets you pass by when riding a 10M and reaching that part near SM that’s clearly straight out of a Lino Brocka film. But come on, do we really care? Do these even make for a good story in a tagay? How could you possibly say that these illiterate street children in Cebu are better and more entertaining to our literally flooded lives than Charice on Glee? How is talking about them cooler than the new phone I’m seeing in front of me along with the rest of the probably six more smart phones this girl owns and is that a Pokedex?

How is the rising number of inveterately illiterate kids more useful to our need for art than Sam Milby’s singing in this Mall Sale (aptly titled “Bear Sale”, which meant it was for SeptemBER, the first month in the Christian calendar that has the suffix BER in its name, which was/is pronounced “Bear” in cebuano) we’re definitely going to visit twice? Why worry about the kind of systemic graft you only see in your family and friends when there’s always a Sam Milby movie to watch and European films like “The Robber” and “An Education” to ignore, even if they were screened for free weeks ago and made at least one person happy and sad?

Of course Sam Milby is better than this guy right here!

Why read books and learn what that TSINELAS group means when you can sprawl Starbucks and be prideful you’re stupid? And why even care when there’s clearly a saviour for all? Speaking of saviours and movies, here’s a good idea that we should instead be more concerned about: iPads. Which are great.

And I’m only saying this because I have proof, which is the man I saw using an iPad for at least three hours in a cafe in this city where the power supply could barely even power mine. More than irking me for the competition that I shouldn’t even be forced to attend to, his iPad made me think: if the very thing that supplies us the chance of happiness we both need is limited, who’s going to have the last say? Trick question: of course it’s me. Anyway, part of you still wants you to do to people who own things like iPad what you most instinctively do to cockroach, but a part of you still feels sorry about that for reasons you know not exactly what. But here’s the certain sad catch: everything’s still democratic and you can pretty much do whatever you want. Especially on Septembers, where illiterate street children in Cebu run the streets like never before.

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Almost Cacti

 I know this sounds cliche, and I know that saying it's cliche is cliche, and saying it's cliche is cliche is cliche, but do you know that feeling of going out one day to not really mean to do anything special but just futz around the mall, eat FishBall Ramen and other Dimsum before brownies and Dunkin Donuts medium brew and maybe visit some toy store and then it just hit you to buy more toys even though it wasn't that long ago you bought a whole 40-piece package of Pokemon and Naruto totems? And go to the Transformers Toys section and check if they have StarScream action figures even if you're quite unsure if you've got the right name of that Decepticon in the movie you missed but in the original cartoon series you always associate with innocence? And then head on to the Beyblade aisle and pick up some latest models that won't fob you off but still would include the Beyblade launchers you know you can't use the digital Beyblade Top without? And then while you're at it you might as well pick up two Hot wheel cars and a skateboard toy before grabbing that G.I. Joe Snake Eye action figure beside the Darth Vader keychain which you'd also get because why no?

And then go to BookSale and buy Vanity Fair, Discover, and Harper Magazines where Jean Paul Sartre's duologue (omigod I'm so pretentious, using that word) with someone I don't know is put on record? And a G.I. Joe coloring book which have sticker graphics like Oatmeal's? And then a pencil shaped like intentionally tasteful flotsam? And then maybe, just maybe, to make it a wee bit special you decide to, well, just purchase, I don't know, a cactus plant? And before opening all the toys you decide to stare at them while you eat your corned tuna and corn grits dinner in your apartment alone? And write about it after reading The Magic Income Number by Freakonomics? Do you know how that feels? How that feels, alone?

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Love Cebu

There are reasons why Island Souvenirs gets dibs at the marketing ploy "(insert name here) loves cebu". And one of them is that Cebu City is awesome. Never mind the kids caroling inside PUJs taunting you they're ostensibly innocuous kiddies but really possible kidnappers, robbers, spies, or Team Rocket's minions, or the kids down the curb urinating at lit candles or the PUJ transport system itself. Cebu is still worthy of all the love.

What Island Souvenirs missed is depriving a large market bracket of potential buyers that may not be the number one customers of the brand that basically panders to your passable sense of loyalty  (which by the way may not be really what it appears as burnishing text like RACHAEL (<3 )LOVES CEBU, ANDREW LOVES CEBU, PETER LOVES CEBU or EUDYE LOVES CEBU on your shirt may just be making up for the fact that heck you barely even know the name of the street where the legendary Mandaue Lampposts is), but is there such thing as too much market reach?

So anyway here's some good names to use in the LOVE CEBU ploy that Island Souvenirs really have to take note of in the interest of commerce and fair free market share:

1. VAGINA HEARTS/(<3 )/LOVES CEBU
2. STREET CHILDREN LOVE CEBU
3. MANILA PEDOPHILES WHO STAY IN CEBU FOR 3-MONTH VACATION LOVE CEBU
4. WHATEVER YOUR EX BOYFRIEND DID IN CEBU THAT MADE YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM LOVE CEBU
5. HEART-TRANSPLANT PATIENTS IN CEBU WHO FAILED IN HEART-TRANSPLANT TRIAL TO GET THEIR HEARTS LOVE CEBU
6. PROSTITUTES LOVE CEBU
7. AMERICANS LIVING IN CEBU WITH GIRLS THEY MET ON THE INTERNET AND MARRIED ON THE SLY BECAUSE THEIR WIVES IN THE U.S. MIGHT FIND OUT LOVE CEBU
8. BUS DRIVERS LOVE CEBU
9.VIGILANTES WHO EKE OUT A LIVING IN THEIR FREELANCE GIGS LOVE CEBU
10.UNEMPLOYMENT LOVES CEBU

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Rolando Mendoza: Guide to Hostage Takers Who Have Gone To Quirino Grandstand

You wouldn't want to have a chip ingrained on your head that would disrupt your senses when you're going to do something like Rolando Mendoza's hostage taking in Quirino Grandstand. But it's kind of a neat idea, isn't it?

I was about to go out for some lunch appointment when I heard something about this hostage-taking by a PNP colonel on some supposedly Korean tourists in a bus at Quirino Grandstand. The Philippines is a place of metas so it didn't dawn on me to be interesting enough to suspend the rendezvous. I finished reading Jonathan Lethem's You Don't Love Me Yet and waited for my friend then went with him to play Naruto, Fight Night 4 and Call of Duty in PS3 for 2 hours at a mall. Then, we bought Liempo, went to his house, ate with family and realized it's partly confirmed all hostages in the Quirino Grandstand hostage-taking by the virtuous Rolando Mendoza were dead. And that a Filipino, old guy and kids were spared. It's a saddening sorry, we thought.

Then I discussed with Alan the benefits of not buying an iPod touch, straining your ambitious commercial purposes, and controlling of people's feelings before I went to write this Rolando Mendoza: Guide to Hostage Takers Who Have Gone To Quirino Grandstand.

I also listened to something ex-satanic: http://www.jessicarulestheuniverse.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Taning10.mp3

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Bb. Pilipinas International 2009 Melody Gersbach

Ride from Pardo to Colon.

Shunning the street people, gorgeous teens, city light.

Bb. Pilipinas International 2009 Melody Gersbach

Went out to taste KFC Maki Roll.

Thinking of not buying an iPhone but an Android Phone instead plus an iPod touch then keep the almost 

Bb. Pilipinas International 2009 Melody Gersbach 

10-year-old Nokia phone.

Subconscious has Bb. Pilipinas International 2009 Melody Gersbach as image.

Planning to stay in France without an Apple Laptop.

Jeepney ride home, a girl in front of me with voluptuous salacious front, my type.

 Bb. Pilipinas International 2009 Melody Gersbach

Views of skin, writing for others but not as a ghost.

Then death: Bb. Pilipinas International 2009 Melody Gersbach

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The Bisaya Writes For Philippine beach

I have to write about the place now. Nobody wants to go David Foster Wallace and fear about not being able  to come up with something. The demand from google to quickly update the blog and produce stuff their search machine android could suck money out of like some stupid dross leach is horrifying. So I'm going to write about Philippine beach.

Philippine beach, particular the ones you get to see in Cebu, are nothing special. Philippine beach are to travel resorts what Nokia are to mobile phones: nothing mediocre, but nothing too special either. Today a Philippine beach from Bohol is being featured on TV. Philippine beach shouldn't be featured on TV because it isn't fair. I want to be in a Philippine beach right now so bad, I'm feeling like a roast unicorn. There's nothing wrong about being a roast unicorn, if you're roasted in Philippine beach.  Philippine beach are awesome to look at. Philippine beach are nothing unlike the ones you see in the movie The Beach. Leonardo di Caprio is awesome in Inception, which didn't feature any Philippine beach, which is quite too bad really.

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The Rain Outside

I moved the trash can out of its original place as the rain outside is strong enough to fill water in it and be carrier of disease. The view of the mountain is harsh and makes you think of days when you just badly want to go outside and find a spot in a coffee shop and read Simenon. I miss being excited by a Simenon. The last time I read it I almost wished I'd never actually finish Maigret's Christmas. I'm almost finished with The Big Lebowski. And I now have to buy more bottles of alcohol for my stove.

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The Bird of Noynoy

Image from pinayla.blogspot.com
 

I'm an electorate ignorant. Not that it's something to brag about. Or that it's bad. But that time has now past and it's time for change. Change for the benefit of the nation. The problematic republic needs my help for it to function better and get rid of its dirt. Time for me to start the change I need. And these candidates running for the 2010 Philippine elections should be assessed if they're really the right fit for our beloved country. And that's the easiest task since all you need to know about candidates is all in the ads you see around you. There's no way you can't know presidents by their facebook pages.

The worst bet you have right now, especially if you're into animal rights, particularly the rights of birds, is Noynoy Aquino. He's good to look at, I know; all that yellow just makes my day shine, like hair oil. But do we really need a president who uses animal skin to make, (thinking about it just makes me shriek, but one has to.....) ribbons (see logo ribbon above) ? How dare he and his minions fool us that we're okay with using dove skin as symbol for hope! Does he think the nation is too jaded we couldn't even mind skinning doves like they're sheep (no offense to sheep, and shepherds)? I mean, look at him (see him above) pensive and all innocent about the atrocities he's starting even before he's elected. Observe that stare; he's probably all like, "hmm..doves have no rights, let's skin them...that's edgy, and liberal, no one's fighting for them, it's not like I'm going to hurt anyone if I punch doves in the head and let my friends skin them and have then taken for photo op...no, wait; it should be yellow; hope is yellow..let's kill doves, soak them in yellow tint and have them photo-opped; no photoshopping, that's bad image; corruption's done, change's the new market..".

It's not that I'm judging this guy, but this guy's all wrong; birds have rights. They can be good pets and it's wrong to make them into ribbons. I will not vote for a president who skins doves for ribbons.

Now that I'm a changed man who wants change and change is all that we need to make doves live, I should have no problems telling you that ERAP and GIBO are the really best options. I mean, what kind of person doesn't want to vote for someone rich and has more wives than there is semen in a spoon and really cunning and machismo-cool enough to be one of the select GOD-chosen few who got the most coveted record of being convicted in public office? Who doesn't want to have as president a charming cuddly and so tender-looking fat alcoholic sex-machine who clearly has all the sympathy of the poor and really is all honest and really for the poor and competent despite footages of him in casinos in office hours (don't be judgmental-we all need some break, even while at work, I'm not being a hypocrite or anything, and GOD knows that) and will probably get our economy screwed up again (in a good way; it doesn't even matter; GOD provides, and honestly, who gives a fig about economics? Academe's no better than us; they've just no social life, unlike us who party so much,we can't even remember the names we're partying with and we don't even care because we're too cool to care, friends don't care). Frankly, I like cool people and ERAP is cool personalized.

If coolness is too cool for you, well there's ultra cool thing you could do: kill. And that's the best thing I like with GIBO. Such bravado. Such utter awesomeness. I mean, it's not like the nation cares if, say, you bulldoze a truckload of killed writers, is it? Frankly, we don't give a damn. We're too cool for that and too busy to care for anything more than the plight of doves.

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