6 Thank Yous For The Bitches Who Should Rule Cebu City and Bark More

1. Thank you and my sincerest and even most embarrassing apologies to my close friend Shila. Like I said it was a thoughtless move that I kind of am still bothered by and I terribly feel scared for. Please help me remind myself not to play any type of moving toys when I'm with you, especially if it involves palabad, gillette blade ug beyblade nga tingga ang tumoy. 

And here's your brilliant essay on Why Bitches Should Bark More. It is modern but simple yet full of kind fun wit:

B-I-T-C-H : Babe In Total Control of Herself

Everyone thinks that this is not

a wholesome word.

Everyone tries

to avoid saying this word.
Everyone makes sure that they are not called as BITCH!

But NOT for us.. we call ourselves..BITCHes!
B-Babe
I - In
T- Total
C - Control of
H - Him/Herself

We are formed by fun activities, adventures and great stories. We tell stories of almost everything under the sun. We play around, eat anywhere and drink to death like no one cares.

Who says no one cares? We do. We are loved by many, envied by few and hated by millions. But we have each other.. it's more than enough to be thankful for.

I personally would confirm that I am a BITCH. It's fun to be one. I don't live in a boring world full of illusions.

BITCHes are true to each other. We say the bad truth to each other. We say what we think but we love what we have and these are friends that are BITCHes within.

You may judge us the same way as you judge how dirty the word is. But don't you dare try to invade our lives..BITCHes will surely rock your world and you will soon love being a BITCH.

Dont let anyone control you. Be a ruler of your own to become one of US!

-Shila, a 3 yr. old person

2. Thank you Katkat. You are an evolved sly generous person and a water-giver sa Krispy Kreme and you always reply to my texts and you have the kindest words such as, "Baaaaaad!", so you are ominous. I'm kidding, pero dili kana nga part. Kana ba. Kana gud.

3. Our own Bisaya Short Films Trivia last night in One Pavillion and Joan's House and Mcdo Punta where Gela won P20 and I was The Master (Yeah, I am Joaquin Phoenix) and Katkat, Portia and Gela won The Cornetto should be a required activity for everybody, just like P.E. Martin Castillanes

4. Thank you Mary Ann sister of Joan and also Joan for the Seaweed chips that beggars don't seem to like kay their palette is way too dull/sophisticated to discriminate its feel; Roj for not wearing the lamest shades and for the car which shall be used like how government uses people's money for the party next week; Portia for nothing; and The Manananggal for not showing up while naa mis eskina nila Joan.

5. Thank you, Tambayan movie house and Cebu Trivia Night for teaching me how to love Showing me what the world meansWhat I've been dreamin' ofAnd now I know, there is nothing that I could not doThanks to you...............no mountain, no valleyNo time, no space 

Thanks to you...Thanks to you...Thanks to you.

6. Thank you Acoustica 

for allowing me to invent the Sisig Pasta, 

which isn't in the menu and is from the Siomai 

Noodles and Sisig. 

Acoustica is a Bisaya Short Film food store 

and 

should 

be 

a 

must-to-die-for

for 

pretentious 

diners.

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The Born This Way Ball

Anyone who knows me knows I adore Lady Gaga. From her crazy fashion to her controversial songs, I love her whole over-the-top brand. I was fortunate enough to score tickets to her Born This Way Ball this past month before she had her little accident. I was nervous about her show because I had high expectations for it, and usually when I have high expectations for a show I am severely let down. Take the recent remake of Les Miserables, for example. I was so excited about it, and yet, I so disliked it. The acting was good and all, I just think the story was a little to much for me. Needless to say, I had my reservations about the Born This Way Ball. While her opening acts (Lady Starlight and Madeon) were really awful, in my opinion,  the rest of the show was mesmerizing. The concert was set in a castle where Lady G was trying to get in to. She was portraying Mother Monster from a different universe and set off the alarms to the castle while trying to break in to tell Earth that it is okay to be different. Gaga performed her classics: Bad Romance, Just Dance, Poker Face, LoveGame, Telephone, Judas, You and I, and, of course, Born This Way. Actually, she performed Born This Way twice. The first time was the way we all know it. The second time was a shortened, ballad version. My favorite performances of the night were Judas and Just Dance. She had just been captured by guards when she began talking about someone who had betrayed her. Everyone in the audience held their breath, waiting for her to introduce what we knew was coming. All of a sudden Gaga screams: "JUDAS!!!!". The crowd goes wild. The whole number was then about her getting out of this dungeon in the castle, which she succedeed at. Then, for Just Dance, the set was lit pink. Gaga became nostalgic, reminiscing about the first time she heard her first song on the radio just five years ago. The whole performance was a lot of fun. I already had this suspicion about Mother Monster before the show, but this concert just confirmed how amazing she is as a live performer. You could tell she genuinely was having the time of her life and that she was so humble and thankful for everything. She is also so much prettier in person. That's is something I would have never thought. No one ever says: "That Gaga, she was much prettier in person." Maybe its the rebellious nature of her songs and outfits or the fact that I really do think she is one of the most talented performers in the world, but I love her. Judge me.

Castle set used for the whole show.

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Stuff Game Shows Like Showtime And Wowowillie Are Too Weak To Say

1. Don't recite your poetry, no matter how sentimental they are. Yes, you've remembered that piece of poem, good job memory you attributed to God, but we've got to go because our profit is dependent on how entertaining you are and you are not fun to listen to if you're reciting that boring dialogue. Grind! We don't care about how that poem means so much to you, how that was written by your husband before he died in a bloody combat with your father, how that was a product of suffered love and life. We don't care. We need to go. So unless you make us feel awesome, just shut the eff up.

2. We will give you money but, uhm, can you, like, be on TV and share how you are a victim of rape and how you made it through thanks to GOD what are you doing! That's against religion!

3. We give you money, but we need to take advantage of your pain and past, and you should make us money, too. We say we care but only so much that it gives us the estimated ROI Statistics-1001- R.E > Tax E.D. Profit. We make money out of you, poor people.

4. We tell the Madlang People that they raise their hands and in Jesus' name, and shout "In Jesus Name, We'll Heal You, Sick Participant!". Yes, we do that. Jesus' healing powers is pretty much dependent on how many people raise their hands and pray for me. Jesus is that shallow.

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Wowoowilliee Whatever Works Because of White Chicks and Humor

1. Willie Revillame's humor is pinoy and deserves a bisection from sociology and psychology researchers. It is instinctual and still smart. Good job.

2. Call me sexist, but the lady dancers are sexy. When they grind, body blood levels of men rise. When they dance, you forget you're supposed to be smart and intellectual and a reader of deep intelligent postmodern books. You forget to pretend.

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The Bisaya Art You Need To Support: The February 2013 Joya Art Exhibit at SM City Cebu Art Gallery

Is this ART/TRASH? Or TRASH pretending to be ART? Or ART pretending to be TRASH? 
 Or TRASH pretending to be TRASH?

“I'm tired of my life, my clothes, the things I say. I'm hacking away at the surface, as at some kind of gray ice, trying to break through to what is underneath or I am dead. I can feel the surface trembling—it seems ready to give but it never does. I am uninterested in current events. How can I justify this? How can I explain it? I don't want to have the same vocabulary I've always had. I want something richer, broader, more penetrating and powerful.”
― James Salter, Memorable Days: The Selected Letters of James Salter and Robert Phelps

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The 7 Important Life-Changing Tips For A Perfect Pinoy Valentine's Date

 High five? Or if you move an inch-closer, the restraining order will take effect?

1. If he's a lawyer who has potential because he's a Business and Not An Environment or A Human Rights lawyer, marry him. You are 30 and a talentless self-centered pathologically lying libakera and without him, you will fail in your social climbing.

2. If the guy says you're funny and smart and he makes references to Woody Allen movies and books only you among your nonagon of friends would read, he's not sleeping with you. You'd be just his adult doll he will always use to make him even look smarter.

3. If he's awkward and makes no sense, even and especially with his jokes, and you're wearing anything with lace, stay at least a feet away from his pants. A thick fist-size part of his body's about to explode from sex juice and restrained rapist-genes.

4. If you're in Chicken BonChon and he orders Super Spicy Fish Taco and rice and Kimchi Coleslaw and service water, he might have good taste in comfort food but he's also probably an "ex-convict" because he once stole a Chicken BonChon Super Spicy Fish Taco Value Meal from a careless customer who just went to the C.R. (Comfort Room, not Crown Regency). He might also have seen Darren Aronofsky's Requiem For A Dream and wanted you to do The Dildo Scene.

5. If the guy wears a striped shirt with a Dragon drawing (Right, Port?) and then striped shorts and plaid hat and checkered shoes, expect to work when you both get married in a boutique named, "Buy Our Fasshion Because We Know Fasshion and You Don't and Of Course You Are Judged By The Number of "Original" Gucci Bags You Bought With Government Tax Money That You Are So Proud Of Because You Think You Are Smart Enough To Get Away With It! Buy! Believe in God Because God Loves You and If You Don't Believe The Loving God, The Loving God Will Burn You In Hell! Love Is When You Bring Your Loved Ones To Hell and Wish Them Suffering And Longer Life To Suffer Dress Store Boutique Shop". 

Also, expect not to have sex with the guy until he finds the next pair of striped panties and bra, which I'm sure is pretty raaaare in his case.

6. If he suggests you both eat The La La Lah Claypot, he doesn't like you and he wants to torture your tongue. Ditch him immediately. Then go to One Claypot and eat chicken wings to celebrate sincerely/sarcastically.

7. If he owns an iPad and an iPhone 5 and a Samsung Tab and hangs a DSLR over his head because he says he's a digital photographer, tell him while he's at it why doesn't he go to SM squatters area and get the malnourished children to eat his gadgets because isn't he a God-believer and isn't he for the poor? I'm sure gadgets can be eaten by the street children your God loves and the children you both proudly don't care about.

Happy Heart Surgery and Fake Love and Ball Sheet Unmeant Forwarded Messages To You All from 

THE BISAYA SHORT FILMS!

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30 ROCK Ends But I'm Reading Michael Chabon's Take on Wes Anderson's Movies' Authenticity So I'm Okay

1. 30 Rock's take on the danger and yet the pleasure and honesty of tyrannical selfishness is too funny to take seriously but at the same time too plausible to put aside. Sketches like Jenna Maroney telling Tracy Jordan something like, "Why do I care? It's not like you're me." and Tracy Jordan telling Liz Lemon, "Which means when the law conflicts with our desires, then we must operate outside the law. You following me?" are ironic and smart as hell, but when you put them in the context of real life where these lines are not made verbal but  made manifest in the most familial and painful backstabbing scenes and where the people who made you a zygote show you the most animal form of selfish denial and most minimalist explanation of why they even made you on this earth, it’s kind of a big-time drag. 

It is annoying at first that 30 Rock seems to short-change you and undermines your supposedly traumatic experience with the other people’s imposition of their selves, but then after reading Michael Chabon’s essay on Authenticity, it dawned on me that hey, 30 ROCK’s actually being sensitive in making fun of my listless trauma and perceived unspeakable pain.

2. I like and have seen what IMDB has shown as the complete commercial films of Wes Anderson and they’re all great good fun motion works that I immaturely claim as accessible art, but they don’t hit my experience the way Georges Simenon’s 6 Little Crosses in a Notebook or Gus Van Sant’s Good Will Hunting did, so I just take Wes Anderson by the side and arrogantly see him as popcorn moviemaker that I’d still follow but won’t consider as my personal guide and yardstick towards reaching non-life. That, until I read Michael Chabon’s Wes Anderson’s Worlds in the NYR Blog.  

3. The article takes me back to the good deception days of college where for every academic paper I make I refer to quotes from imaginary books,magazines, and authors I made up and take this imagination as the authority backing up a statement I also made up (Thank You Albert Einstein’s Imagination Is More Powerful Than Knowledge!). The papers got impressive passing grades and are a parallel to what Mark Zuckerberg did in The Social Network when he claimed that his hacking of the administration’s DDT-I.R. 344- SSL database is something the school should be thankful for because of the sole reason that it had highlighted the glitch in the database that if M.Z. hadn’t caused to botch, would’ve cost the school billions and thousands of future privacy lawsuits. Immoral lesson: make things beautiful and people of supposedly strong influence will dig it. That's what Hitler did.


Anyway, to quote Chabon:

“ All movies, of course, are equally artificial; it’s just that some are more honest about it than others. In this important sense, the hand-built, model-kit artifice on display behind the pane of an Anderson box is a guarantor of authenticity; indeed I would argue that artifice, openly expressed, is the only true “authenticity” an artist can lay claim to.”

3. 30 Rock and pretty much all the good Sarah Silverman and Louis C.K. comedy I’ve seen are extremely bitchy and simply painful and but yet still contain the most personal and temporarily unforgettable answers and coping system templates I keep in dealing with the worst evolving memes of phony adult dealings. So then I learned: to be sensitive, try to be rude and honest about your being crude. Try not to pretend you understand other people’s feelings. Nobody does. Also, your parents will die pretty much basically today.

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The New Old Spaghetti House and How Its Vietnamese Spaghetti Changed A Life

 

1. The only Old Spaghetti House in the Visayas inside SM CITY CEBU beside the Gelatissimo Kiosk (not Consolacion nor Seaside) reopened months ago after doing changes to its already distinct and warm look. We never cared much about how the restaurant has old memorabilia of Coca Cola products and supposedly vintage posters because we mostly never cared about a restaurant's look. We're deeeep people, you know. We're complicated.

2. The only reason I come back to the place is the Vietnamese Spaghetti without shrimps. I went back there last night because I needed garlic in my system and there was no garlic soup in French Baker and Pizza Hut and Jollibee (oh no, Jollibee has no garlic soup? That's weird!) and the P95 TOSH pasta has so much garlic the Aswang in you's gonna be like, WTF, dood! Vietnamese Spaghetti delivered and is still a masterpiece.

The New Old Spaghetti House is a place of good garlic pasta.

3. I met there Martin Castillanes the Manager, who turns out to be my friend still and was linked to my ex and was my roommate in freshmen high (oohhh..freshmen high soounds sosyal!) and is composing music ala-Perfect-Pitch Anna Kendrick and David Guetta and does Mixed Martial arts and is my friend and is my friend and is my friend. Bisaya Short Films will connect with his being to make the world a better place, simply put.

P.S. Thanks Martin for the supreme TOSHMANIA membership card/keychain/Shuriken that can get me freebies in TOSH and Fully Booked and that is only given to people who spend 7X the amount I spent there last night. I await our music collaboration and may the force be with us. Also, People, watch out for The Old Spaghetti House "All You Need is Love" promo, which I'll blog asap. Shout out if you want freebies!

The Old Spaghetti House is the place of good Vietnamese Garlic Pasta. I don't know about the rest. Yet.

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Eyes Don't Eat: A Review Of One Claypot Restaurant

Part 1 of One Claypot

Batman Tastes One Claypot Chicken Wings and probably likes it. Or I don't know.

1. The Chicken Wings are probably just a spoonful butter away from tasting like Popeye's Supreme Chili Wings and East West's Chicken Wings, which is good.

2. The Pasta Dish with Prawns is a comfort food. Portia loved the shrimp toppings that I didn't care about. The pasta is comfort food, kind of like French Fries, but minus the everything. What I mean by comfort food is that you can eat a potful of it if you're not being careful or you're being emotional about your ex-boyfriend who left you for a pussy, like literally a cat, because she can't afford keeping you and a pussy..cat.

3. The claypot room is like a turtle-shell, and yes, I've been inside a turtle shell. The world is my turtle. It's too small, but the affect of silver stickers and typography tricks works so well you don't notice that you're probably just inside a room the perimeter size of two Jollibee restrooms for the disabled.

Part 2 of One Claypot

1. Overheard from the coming girls: Oh, mao diayng Claypot (referring to the small size of the room)

2. The Lalalah Claypot Rice Dish is dregs, mulch, a residue of all the wrong immoral things in this world; it's too salty for any normal person's taste, the burnt smell is annoying and it pretty much tastes like nothing, all I can taste is the chorizo, chicken and the egg. Why has the owner brought this to the Philippines? To torture us? To mock our scarce budget for trying out good food? To be pretentious and cheat us and pretend that we're eating gourmet food? And why have the reviews out there said the Claypot is good? Were they paid to lie? Lalalah Claypot is not lalala-lami. It's literally Lalalalala-lamaw.

3. I took an extra handful amount of tissue paper to compensate for the immorally bad taste and I will extend lengths not to come back there again because although the room looks nice, my eyes don't eat. I need my P150 back.

Update as of February 4: In fairness to Claypot, I just realized that since last night most of the food I gorge in tastes like nothing, probably because I still have a runny (or JOG-gy?) nose and other flu symptoms. But I ate the Nobel Peace Prize-wiiner Chinese Ngohiong and its Pulitzer Prize-winning sauce last night and it tasted okay. Anyone figuring this out? I might come back to Claypot to conclude this. Also, there's an interesting comment below, read it and be happy you're not anonymous.

One Claypot Cebu City is a supposedly good place I'm never coming back to again.

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