Eyes Don't Eat: A Review Of One Claypot Restaurant

Part 1 of One Claypot

Batman Tastes One Claypot Chicken Wings and probably likes it. Or I don't know.

1. The Chicken Wings are probably just a spoonful butter away from tasting like Popeye's Supreme Chili Wings and East West's Chicken Wings, which is good.

2. The Pasta Dish with Prawns is a comfort food. Portia loved the shrimp toppings that I didn't care about. The pasta is comfort food, kind of like French Fries, but minus the everything. What I mean by comfort food is that you can eat a potful of it if you're not being careful or you're being emotional about your ex-boyfriend who left you for a pussy, like literally a cat, because she can't afford keeping you and a pussy..cat.

3. The claypot room is like a turtle-shell, and yes, I've been inside a turtle shell. The world is my turtle. It's too small, but the affect of silver stickers and typography tricks works so well you don't notice that you're probably just inside a room the perimeter size of two Jollibee restrooms for the disabled.

Part 2 of One Claypot

1. Overheard from the coming girls: Oh, mao diayng Claypot (referring to the small size of the room)

2. The Lalalah Claypot Rice Dish is dregs, mulch, a residue of all the wrong immoral things in this world; it's too salty for any normal person's taste, the burnt smell is annoying and it pretty much tastes like nothing, all I can taste is the chorizo, chicken and the egg. Why has the owner brought this to the Philippines? To torture us? To mock our scarce budget for trying out good food? To be pretentious and cheat us and pretend that we're eating gourmet food? And why have the reviews out there said the Claypot is good? Were they paid to lie? Lalalah Claypot is not lalala-lami. It's literally Lalalalala-lamaw.

3. I took an extra handful amount of tissue paper to compensate for the immorally bad taste and I will extend lengths not to come back there again because although the room looks nice, my eyes don't eat. I need my P150 back.

Update as of February 4: In fairness to Claypot, I just realized that since last night most of the food I gorge in tastes like nothing, probably because I still have a runny (or JOG-gy?) nose and other flu symptoms. But I ate the Nobel Peace Prize-wiiner Chinese Ngohiong and its Pulitzer Prize-winning sauce last night and it tasted okay. Anyone figuring this out? I might come back to Claypot to conclude this. Also, there's an interesting comment below, read it and be happy you're not anonymous.

One Claypot Cebu City is a supposedly good place I'm never coming back to again.